Self-Help vs Self-Care

What is self-help? Is it the same as self-care? Let’s explore that:

I, like many others, didn’t know what to do when I first started experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety. I had days, sometimes weeks, when I couldn’t get out of bed. So, I did what so many others do and turned to google.

“How to deal with depression”. “Tips for anxiety”. “Depression recovery tips”. I was met with loads of advice that ranged from go for a walk every day to spend £100 on a shower gel and all your problems will be solved. I thought most of this was bullshit. Bath bombs and a “treat-yo-self” mentality might make me feel better temporarily but will they cure me? Probably not. And going outside and exercising every day? I’m not exactly going to be able to convince myself to do that when I can barely convince myself to go to the toilet when I need to.

Through all my research two terms kept popping up: self-help and self-care. The two seemed to be used interchangeably to mean “this will make you feel better”. It wasn’t until years later that I’d realise there’s actually a difference between them and it has made a huge difference in how I manage my mental health.

According to google, these are the definitions of the terms:

self-care

/sɛlfˈkɛː/

noun

1. the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one's own health.

"autonomy in self-care and insulin administration"

the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress.

"expressing oneself is an essential form of self-care"

self-help

/ˌsɛlfˈhɛlp/

noun

1. the use of one's own efforts and resources to achieve things without relying on others.

"a reduction in the role of the state and an increasing reliance on self-help"

designed to assist people in achieving things for themselves.

modifier noun: self-help

"when I suffered from depression I went to a self-help group"

To me, and I imagine most other people, these definitions sound fairly similar. They’re both about taking self-reliant action to improve your wellbeing. It’s technically not incorrect to use the two almost interchangeably however, I have come to find that it is most useful to split them. I have redefined them slightly to better describe how I use them.

For me, self-care is short term. It’s something you can do for immediate or almost immediate satisfaction. It’s something enjoyable that doesn’t take a lot of effort. It’s something you can easily convince yourself to do. Examples of this would be taking a bath, lighting scented candles, reading a book, ordering take away. Very much in line with the ‘treat-yo-self’ mentality. It involves doing activities that can boost the production of serotonin for a short amount of time but don’t necessarily help with your mental health in the long run.

Self-help is long term. It’s something you may have to do over and over for weeks or months. It’s stuff that’s not always fun. It can take a lot of energy. Examples of this would be going for a walk every day, getting up and showering every morning, practicing coping mechanisms and grounding exercises. These are things where in the moment you may hate it, you may want to be doing literally anything else, but in the long term they’ll start to make you feel better and eventually it’ll become a routine that’s easy to stick to and can have a massive impact on your mental health and well-being.

Both of these things are important to me, I’m not here to say only one of them should be done. Sometimes you need an immediate pick-me-up. Sometimes you need to work for your long-term wellness. Each has its pros and cons and its ultimately up to you when and how you use them.

If you generally feel okay in your everyday life but you’ve found that today you’ve woken up feeling a bit down in the dumps and you don’t have the motivation to do anything, it’s probably time for a self-care day. Run yourself a bath, use that expensive bath bomb and treat yourself to your favourite take-away for dinner.

If you’ve spent the last two weeks not getting out of bed or talking to anyone in your life, it might be time for some self-help. Start slowly, there’s no rush to recovery. Try getting up and showering today. Tomorrow get dressed and go for a 10-minute walk. The next day make lowkey plans with a friend to watch films and have a bit of a catch-up. This will feel hard at first and that’s okay, and it’s okay if after 3 days you spend another day in bed, recovery isn’t linear. Eventually, if you keep trying, it will get easier and you will start to feel better.

Most people will need to mix-and-match the two. If I have a week of seeing people every day, staying on top of my to-do list, and making sure I’m eating properly then I’ll usually need to do some self-care in order to not feel completely drained and like I want to give up.

One thing I really look out for in myself is the over-use of self-care. I can easily find myself ordering takeaway every night and only doing easy activities that I enjoy because I’m feeling down and those things will make me feel better quickly. I have to force myself to engage with self-help. I try to go for a walk every single day, even if it’s just to the shop to buy a bar of chocolate. That’s my first small step in self-help. There are times I’ve had to be dragged out kicking and screaming by my boyfriend or friends because I really don’t want to leave the house, but I always feel a bit better once I’m actually out and a short walk can make me feel better for days afterward.

As a final note: it’s important to have realistic expectations for your recovery. It might be that neither self-care nor self-help actually cure you. Most people will need a mix of treatments to help them fully recover from their mental illness, this can include therapy, medication and self-help methods. What this can do is start to make a difference. It can give you the boost you need to carry on with your life or to seek further help from a doctor or mental health professional. The important thing is to not give up. I’ll be following this post up with the specific ways in which I manage my mental health both every day and when I’m relapsing and need a bit of extra effort and care.